highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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