My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
