My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.