I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
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I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
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I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.