youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
