I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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The beer is more important than you right now.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
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