We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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