She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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