dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
