Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
