Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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