I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the day after is always just damage control
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize