why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
