I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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