I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
