your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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