I should be sponsored by Trojan
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Panties = found
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
