I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
