Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
