doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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