I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Those nachos came to me in a dream
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
