Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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