i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
