I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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