question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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