tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
