Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
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margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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