I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
