ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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