he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
