I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
