he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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