I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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