You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
