just survived the first fart of the relationship.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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