On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely