i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
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Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.