First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
