New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My feet surprised me
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