my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it glows. i had to have it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
