Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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