Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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