I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
