dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
