well I can't set my house on fire every night
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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