The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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