In the future we'll all be gay
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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