my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
