Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
