Are my feet made of real feet?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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