Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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