he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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