I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize