Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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