my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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